Lists

So, I'm one of those people who makes lists when under stress. Last night, I realized I'd reached a new low when I started making a list of the lists that I need to make. I wasn't even thinking about the list I'm secretly making for my husband. He loves those!

This afternoon, I'm feeling a little more in control. Unfortunately, it's all because I'm home with an eight year old with a nasty case of pink eye. But, having a weekday at home, actually accomplishing some items on my list (instead of just putting them on the list) has helped to calm me down.

Of course, sitting here for a few minutes has given me the time to think of three more things to put on my list. I guess I just shouldn't stop moving.

Someday...

...I won't have to wipe anyone's runny nose but my own. I can't wait for that day. Will it happen this summer when we move to a different climate, or will it only happen when my kids have reached the age where having streams of boogers pooling on their upper-lips is finally considered disgusting? Here's hoping for climate change, because my kids seem to have no sense of shame!

A confession

I have been a full-time working mom for the past 4 years. It's been a challenge. I'm constantly struggling with feelings of guilt, inadequacy, selfishness, resentment, you name it. I always feel like I'm doing things last minute and half-a*#ed. I get home everyday and the two and half hours between walking in the front door and bedtime are the longest, hardest, most anger filled hours of my day. I turn into a temper-tantrum throwing maniac. And then, I beat myself up about it because, of course, my children deserve a mother who is serene and self-controlled.

We are making a move in June that will allow me to be a stay-at-home mom. I have all sorts of visions of what things will be like. Lots of cooking healthy, delicious foods all from scratch, learning how to use a sewing machine (or at least hem my own pants), arts and crafts with my two year old, singing, reading, going for walks, and generally being perfect in every way. My deep, dark fear is that every minute of every day of my future will feel like the last few hours of my present days. Is that wrong to admit? What if I hate staying home? What if I'm bored all the time? What if I'm angry all the time?

I guess that it will continue to be about that tricky balancing act, giving my kids everything they need without giving up the things I need. Now I just need to figure out what those things are.

*** Sheesh, note to self. Don't blog on Monday nights, especially when you and the kids are all sick. You sound way too "angst-y."