Monday, May 4, 2009

A confession

I have been a full-time working mom for the past 4 years. It's been a challenge. I'm constantly struggling with feelings of guilt, inadequacy, selfishness, resentment, you name it. I always feel like I'm doing things last minute and half-a*#ed. I get home everyday and the two and half hours between walking in the front door and bedtime are the longest, hardest, most anger filled hours of my day. I turn into a temper-tantrum throwing maniac. And then, I beat myself up about it because, of course, my children deserve a mother who is serene and self-controlled.

We are making a move in June that will allow me to be a stay-at-home mom. I have all sorts of visions of what things will be like. Lots of cooking healthy, delicious foods all from scratch, learning how to use a sewing machine (or at least hem my own pants), arts and crafts with my two year old, singing, reading, going for walks, and generally being perfect in every way. My deep, dark fear is that every minute of every day of my future will feel like the last few hours of my present days. Is that wrong to admit? What if I hate staying home? What if I'm bored all the time? What if I'm angry all the time?

I guess that it will continue to be about that tricky balancing act, giving my kids everything they need without giving up the things I need. Now I just need to figure out what those things are.

*** Sheesh, note to self. Don't blog on Monday nights, especially when you and the kids are all sick. You sound way too "angst-y."


  1. I suggest that you go look at GoFugYourself for a few minutes. It's just made me feel happy with myself. And I know you're going to have many good hours each day as a stay-at-home mom. I can almost guarantee that you'll be better at it than I was!

  2. I think we all have times when we beat ourselves up fo not being that pefect mother (by the way, who is that perfect mother. Where does she live? Lets go toilet paper her house!)
    But I'll bet when you don't have that crunch time as your only time with your kids, it will be a lot more pleasant. Here's to your new adventure.

  3. I am- and have always been a stay at home mom... and the last 2 hours of my day are always my worst. It is the witching hour. It is when everyone is just DONE! especially ME! Now you will have a chance to be with your kids during the non-witchy hours of the day, YAY!!!!